i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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