Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
