Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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