i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
