is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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