You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
