lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
