Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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