eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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