problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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