I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
