I wish I only lived at night.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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