You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
