I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
