I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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