hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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