Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
