watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize