Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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