Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ok first of all what the fuck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
