the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
