i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
