The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
