These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
