I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
