i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
