Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
