in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
