maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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