I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
