I just pynch a tree in the face
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
