I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
