My liver just broke up with me...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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