do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
