did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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