R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
