She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize