Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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