Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm jealous of your bromance
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
