She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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