Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
