your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
