So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
