Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
