I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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