mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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