need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Randomize
