I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
