i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
