Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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