my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
