Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize