I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
