had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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