So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
