sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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