She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
