You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
