I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
