I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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