i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize