And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
