I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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